The City Never Sleeps At Night

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FIRST THINGS FIRST: It sucks to be socially anxious and have a Type A personality . Every conversation I have to get pumped up for because I feel that if I don’t do that, I’ll make some stupid mistake or prove to the other person that I’m some dumb idiot that doesn’t know what the heck they’re doing. Every conversation I leave with more questions than answers (mostly questions revolving around how the other person perceived me. Was I too obnoxious? Do they think I’m stupid? Did I come off as annoying? They probably think I’m stupid. They’ll talk smack about me behind my back for weeks because of what I just said. etc., etc., etc.)

This is just the beginning of my life.

I’ve been applying to graduate school, which is awesome and exciting, but it’s also adding way more stress to my life than ever before. If that’s not enough, I have 18 hours (6 classes in college talk), 2 jobs (that I work way more than I get paid for) and 1 big fundraising event that’s coming up next weekend that we’re not ready for.

Talk about stressful.

You know what’s the worst part though…I want to talk about it to people. I want to de-stress and rant and cry and scream and let out all of my frustration but I physically can’t. I literally just got off the phone with my mom to talk to her about my awful day (in which I only made things worse) and I literally could not push the words out of my mouth “I’ve had a bad day, I just wanted to talk about it.” Why? I don’t know. I can’t tell you why. My boss asked me what was wrong earlier (partially I was in a bad mood because of him, but that’s not relevant right now), and I literally could not force any words out of my mouth except for “I’m fine.” And when he obviously didn’t believe me and said “Well if you want to talk about it, you can talk with me,” I retorted (probably rather rudely now that I think about) “I’m. Fine.”

Idiot, she is -Yoda (if he were to talk about me right now)

I have so much to do in the next two weeks that I just want to cry! I literally don’t know where to start. I keep pretending like I’m being productive by writing to-do lists and creating Google docs for the others on the planning committee and reminding people of the meeting Thursday night, but in reality I’ve gotten no where.

You know what makes all this worse? My boss thinks I’m just going to “steamroll” all over people and exclude all others from everything (and screw it all up). It’s a tragic flaw of the Type A personality to be a perfectionist. If I’m on a planning committee, I intend on seeing the entire thing through to make sure it’s the best I could possibly make it. Yes, boss, I understand you want it to be a collaborate thing, that everybody can have a say and participate. I understand that, I really do. Heck, I would love it if people came and helped out more. REALITY CHECK THOUGH: nobody does. The countless Facebook posts that go unnoticed, no comments, no likes, etc. Nobody cares about helping out with the boring, pre-stuff. They just want to be there in the moment. Nobody understands about the big picture. They just want to have their perfect part and do none of the work to make sure everything works out.

Are you beginning to see why I might be stressed out?

To make things worse, I received a couple of messages concerning this fundraiser from my boss last night, so I responded–like a normal human being would. And he then later, after responding to a few of them, creating a conversation, he told me that I needed to separate work and non-work time. He’s the one that brought all this work crap to my Sunday night. I’m not the one who needs to learn to separate work and non-work, mister!

I don’t even want to be a part of this dang fundraiser anymore. I really don’t. I just want to stay at home while it’s going on. That’s definitely not what’s going to happen though. I’m going to stress and stress and stress and reach my breaking point 13928574938572983 times in the next 2 weeks and then it’ll all be over and I can finally sleep.

But back to the point. I can’t talk to anybody! I can’t force the words out of my mouth. I’m struggling. I need some help. I’ve had a bad day. I’m anything but fine. 

Here’s my prediction though: Instead of asking for help like a normal human being, I’m going to push these feelings down further and further until they explode. I’ve already snapped at 2 people about this dang fundraiser (one was an accident, one was most definitely not). I’m going to explode and it’s going to be ugly, nobody is going to want to talk to me ever again and I’ll graduate with no friends, no life and no future (because “history majors don’t make money, why would you want to do that?”) (insert angry emoji)

Social anxiety comes back into play with the whole “snapping at people” thing. I don’t want people to hate me (I really don’t think anybody does). I also hate feeling like a burden to people. So talking about my problems in person makes me feel like I’m a burden to that person. I don’t want them to think I’m a complainer or a whiner or annoying because if they’re somebody that I admire/respect/love it would kill me to find out the truth.

Social anxiety wins again. I can’t leave the fundraiser because I want to please everybody. Type A personality wins out by not allowing me to leave the fundraiser because I want to make sure it’s perfect.

This is way too much stress. I just want to sleep (something that I’ve been slacking on lately). I just want to crawl into my bed and stay there for the next day and a half. Then maybe I’d feel better. I want to be able to tell my mom why I’m having a sucky day and crying in my bedroom. I want to be able to tell my boss that he hurt my feelings over something that I’m pretty sure he meant as a joke (but over text it came across as rude). I want to tell somebody that the stress of applying to grad school and writing 4 research papers is killing me. I just want to sleep.

But that wouldn’t please anybody. They’d think 13875298473 times less of me.

OH well. Guess social anxiety and my type A personality wins out again.

(Sorry for the rant, I had to do it).


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A little bird told me…